The need for God

A few months ago, I came across and article by Matthew Parris, "As an Atheist, I truly believe Africa needs God." Here's the link if you want to read it yourself:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/matthew_parris/article5400568.ece

Now, the title alone is completely intriguing. I saw it somewhere and had to find out what Parris was talking about. I'm not going to completely give the article away; you should really read it for yourself because it's good. But, one of the main ideas in the article is that Parris sees a way that Christianity, taught and practiced by those who are volunteering, working with NGOs, or even serving as missionaries in Africa has a way of transforming the lives of the people living on that amazingly vast continent. Though Parris mentions that there are many NGOs that are secular in nature and that those organizations offer much help, he argues that those organizations, apart from faith, don't seem to have the same power to actually change lives, to give people a sort of sense of self, a sense of their own worth.

This interests me a lot. Mainly, it interests me because, like Parris, I was long skeptical of missions work, thinking that faith might be a motivating factor which led people to want to serve others but not seeing that faith as integral to their work or to the extent to which that work could really affect others. And, I was troubled by the kind of work that seemed predicated on the idea that those who hold religious convictions were somehow superior to those who didn't. But, that's not it. That's not it at all.

Over the last couple of years, I guess I've come to appreciate that so many of those people who feel moved by their religious convictions to serve are not doing so because they feel that they are somehow better than those whom they serve. It's not about that. It's about love. It's about looking at someone (someone who might have more than me, someone who might have less than me) and appreciating the worth of that person, knowing that that person has just as much worth as anyone else. And, it's about being moved by that love, listening to that still, small voice that tells us that we must help when and where we can. And, it's about knowing that God, in His infinite love for each of us has called us to service. And, He's called each of us to tell others about Him, difficult as that may be at times.

So, that's what the article made me think about. Read it. You'll like it.

And I like you! Each and every one of you.

Love,

Sara

If I were a singer...

Well, I've been taking voice lessons, and they're going really well. I feel like I do whenever I go back to swimming. Everything is kind of new and difficult, a bit of a struggle, but I feel like my voice is getting stronger.

When my voice teacher asked what kind of music I like singing, I said I really liked classical. I mean, I love singing these wonderful, amazingly high pieces where it feels like my voice just keeps going up and up, almost floating above me. If I ever focused on music, I think I'd want to be an opera singer.

But, the other day I came across a singer I hadn't heard before. Her name is Sarah McMillan, and her CD Under Your Bright Wings is one of the most beautiful things I've heard in a while. It has such a great soulful feel to it. I want to listen to this music while sleeping on a screened in porch sometime in summer. "Flesh and Bone" is my favorite song on the CD. Listening to her music, I feel like her style would almost be tied with singing classical music for me. So, if ever you hear that I've run away from my studies, you can probably bet that I'm either singing opera or that I've borrow Sarah McMillan's style and started writing my own stuff. :)

So, check out her stuff. It's gorgeous. You will love it!

And, I (of course) love you!

Sara

Sometimes there is desert, but in it there are streams

Last week when I was at Bible study, Carrie (who leads the study) told us about a book that she loves. I'm so glad she did because it's a book I love too. It's called Streams in the Desert, and it's been around for quite a while. The book is a collection of short readings, one for each day of the year. It's kind of a compilation of many different writers with one editor who rather elegantly brings it all together, and the readings revolve around the theme of God's protection and care for us.

The funny thing is, the first time I met Carrie she recommended the book to me. Even funnier was that, somewhere packed in a box, I already had the book. I'd had it since I was about fifteen. I got it from a youth group leader shortly after I told her that I was really struggling with my faith. I remember her telling me that I should read this book. I thought it was pretty nice, but I also remember thinking that it felt awfully weird to be reading something about the Bible, like in my spare time. When I didn't have to do it. I surely didn't keep up with the daily reading; I perhaps read five of the readings.

I guess I just didn't understand why this book would help me with my struggle with faith. I mean, it seemed to be about the Bible, and, let's be honest, growing up going to church and Christian school, I knew a lot about the Bible. I thought that my struggle with faith was something that would sort of fix itself, not really seeing how getting to know more about God, about His Word, might bring me closer to the fullness of faith. But, it does.

My friend Alanna once said that if you want to get to know someone, you talk to that person. She said it was the same with God. I thought that was cute and quaint. But, I didn't really buy it. When she told me that, I thought of God as an abstract concept, maybe even something that existed because we humans, in our fear of the unknown, had invented Him.

But, a few months after my conversation with Alanna, I started questioning what I thought about God, what I knew of faith, what I wanted that to mean in my life. And, even though I had thought that God was just a concept, a placebo that made us forget our troubles but didn't actually do anything, that way of thinking about God just couldn't explain the hole I had in my heart, the constant pull I felt to somehow know Him. To know God.

And so I tried to get to know Him. I sought Him out wherever I might find Him. I read and prayed and cried when I didn't understand why this God who I hadn't given much thought to in years seemed so intent on getting me to seek Him.

But, you know, even if getting to know God was not without its pains and struggles, I know He was always there for me. Maybe that's why I love Streams in the Desert so much. It reminds me of God's ever-present love and care. And, who doesn't need to be reminded of that? Life is hard. God is good. Always.

I love you all so very, very much!

Sara

A reunion, of sorts

Tonight I went to Bible study.  It was an anniversary or reunion of sorts.  I'm not really sure which.  Two years ago, this was the first Bible study I'd ever gone to.  This was the Bible study where I ended up bearing my soul and crying to a complete stranger who ended up becoming a friend.  And it was the Bible study that helped shore me up at a time when I just wasn't sure what I needed to be doing with my life.

When I sat there tonight, I thought back to that first night.  There I was in a Baptist church, a denomination whose doors I thought I'd never darken again.  I was the youngest woman there, sitting among a group of sweet older ladies, the kind of ladies who make those church lady cookies that I love so much.  "El Shaddai" was playing, and I seriously considered bolting, as I thought about how completely out of place I was at this Bible study, in this Baptist church, among these sweet, older ladies who went to church every Sunday and looked so angelic.  I mean, I kind of felt like a fake.  I wasn't one of them.  I was just this girl who needed somewhere to go.  And, there I was, in the last place on earth I ever thought I'd be.

Tonight I didn't feel so out of place, didn't feel like a fake.  I don't even think I was the youngest person there, though I still enjoyed one of those delicious cookies.  Older church ladies are so good at those.  But, I kept thinking, maybe more like wondering what it was that brought me there, what it was that made me keep coming back when there was nothing at that Bible study that I could really relate to.  I mean, the enthusiastic people so excited about God?  The contemporary Christian music (that was actually no longer contemporary)?  None of it looked like me, sounded like me.

But, then I remembered Isaiah 53.  I memorized it in school when I was a kid.  It's beautiful and haunting.  It tells of a Christ who is to come, the same Jesus that we don't even get to meet until the Gospels.  I that chapter, there is a part of a verse, "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him."  It's talking about Jesus, saying that there was nothing to draw us to Him.  Except that everything was there.  Is there.  Hope and love and salvation and goodness.  Those things that we crave and need.  They were all there, even though we couldn't see it because we didn't look past the surface.

But, maybe we knew.  Maybe there was a still, small voice telling us that, though we could not see all of that goodness, it was there.

I love you,

Sara

Recovery

I'm still on the kick of reading about addiction, and I just finished a book by Heather King, Parched.  I read it partly because I read another book by her and pretty well adored it, and I wanted to read about her struggle with alcoholism which she'd talked a bit about in the book I'd already read.

I'm not going to lie.  This book was hard to read.  There were times when it just hurt to read how enslaved she was to her addiction, how it ruled every aspect of her life, how it could have killed her had she not gotten help.

But, the book also reminded me that there is redemption even in the bleakest of circumstances, that there is still some hope of a rebirth of one's spirit.  That maybe there is a chance to recover a life that seems lost.

It's maybe that hope that makes me read these books.  It's that searching out of those people who have been broken and hurt but still seem to almost come back to life.  It's the wonder in seeing that God looks far beyond the surface of each of us--past the addictions and vices and scars--and knows that there is something beautiful in us.  Knows that there is some way, even in our our failings, that we may be a light to others, that we may be Christ's feet and hands here on earth, that we may bring Him glory and honor.

And that's something very beautiful, very hopeful.

Love you much,

Sara

I want to ride my bicycle!

Okay, you guessed it.  This post is about bicycling.  

The other day, spurred on by some odd yet unquenchable desire, I bought a bike.  I had this idea that it would be nice to have the option of biking to school rather than always taking the bus, so I went out and bought a bike.

Now let me tell you a secret.  I'm stinking in love with this bike.  I took it for a test ride, and it was the most amazing biking experience ever.  That, and the bike is just beautiful.  It's a white Gary Fisher with silver designs.  I'm in love.  

I wanted to take it out on a trail, so today after church I went to Lake of the Woods in Mahomet.  It's really close to Champaign but a little more woodsy.  To be honest, I'd really hoped that the park would be a little more removed from houses and things, maybe even that the trail would be a little more rugged, but the area it so pretty that I soon got over my desire to be in the middle of nowhere.  There was even some wildlife, which was really cool.  I saw three small deer, at least one rabbit, squirrels, and (I'm not even kidding) a chipmunk.  A chipmunk, people!  It was too cute.  

So, there I was, riding the bike trail, enjoying nature, and loving my new bike.  It was a gorgeous day, and it was really peaceful out there.  I started going down a really fun hill, speeding up and thinking how cool it was to be so fast and free feeling.  And then, I saw that there was a bike coming my direction.  And on that bike was a little, old man.  Seriously.  I panicked.  I swerved slightly.  Thankfully, we avoided hitting each other.  Sorry for the lack of excitement in this story.  But, what was funny is that, though I was inwardly (and perhaps a little outwardly) freaking out, this little, old guy was completely stoic.  No real change of facial expression at all.  Someday I hope to be that brave.  :)

But, I guess what I liked about going out to ride my bike is that it was such a great thing to do on a Sunday.  I mean, I went to church and had a wonderful time hearing the sermon and singing, being around all those people who are just so sweet.  And then I went out into nature (more or less) and got to take in the beauty of God's world, the beauty He created.  

It makes me think of those verses from Psalms, maybe one of my favorite parts, though most all of them are my favorites.

When I consider your heavens, 

       the work of your fingers, 
       the moon and the stars, 
       which you have set in place,

 what is man that you are mindful of him, 
       the son of man that you care for him?

You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings

and crowned him with glory and honor.

I hope all of you had a wonderful and blessed Sunday.  I love you all so very much!

Sara

Fears and Almost Tears

Here are two things that you may or may not know about me.  The first is that I love to sing.  I'm even, well, good at it.  The second is that I am terrified to sing in front of people.  Seriously.  And, really, what's the point of singing if not to share it with other people?  I mean, it's pretty well worthless to be a good singer if you're not going to sing in front of people.

About a week ago I had a dream, and in that dream I was singing.  When I woke up, I just kept thinking about how happy I was in that dream, how happy I was to be singing.  There has just always been such a wonderful feeling when I sing.  I used to drive around and sing for hours, and those were some of my favorite times.  

So, I decided, post singing dream, that I should get back into singing.  I looked on campus to see what my options were, and I found out that I could take voice lessons.  Sounded great.  I called the school of music, and was sent all the info about voice lessons.  

One problem.  Voice lessons require an audition.  Audition.  That basically means that there will be singing and that it will be in front of people.  Like, live people.  Not that singing in front of dead people would be that much more comforting, but, well, I'm getting totally off topic at this point.

Okay, so I resolved that I'd go for it.  I settled on singing "Ave Maria" because I know it and because I do an alright job of singing it.  I didn't really have a good way to rehearse much, but I figured I'd be okay.  Auditions were Saturday, and I was pretty ready.

Truth be told, I wasn't ready at all.  In fact, I almost didn't even go.  But, then there I was, early for the audition.  I was the first one there, and as I waited, as the time got closer, I nearly didn't go through with it.  My inner monologue was pretty interesting (not quite sure how many prayers I said while sitting there waiting for the audition), and, had it not been for the fact that it would have been really awkward for me to just pick up and leave before even singing, I probably would have left.  But I didn't.  I sang.  It was awful.  I was there in front of a panel of judges.  People.  Singing in front of people.  Nervous.  Completely nervous.  Far too nervous to be singing in a key that high.  Too nervous to breathe.  And, let me tell you, breathing is a really key component of singing.  It is, in fact, crucial to producing sound.

So, I didn't sing well.  I'm a perfectionist, so I'm willing to believe that it was less horrible than what I thought it was, but it was pretty bad.  But, you know, I did it.  I actually stood in front of people and sang.  And, you know what?  It felt pretty good to do something that so completely terrified me.  It wasn't as good as I hoped for, but I was there singing, doing something that I love.  

Oh, and for whatever reason, I actually made it past the audition.  My first lesson is tomorrow.  

Love you all!

Sara 

Reading Addiction

I get on reading kicks sometimes.  I mean, I'm almost always working on a book, but sometimes I read all books by the same author or all books with the same focus.

Right now, I'm on an addiction kick.

I know that sounds completely depressing.  I actually worried that it would be when I started reading the first book, a father's account of his son's drug addiction.  Heartbreaking in so many ways.  But, also fascinating in that way that stories of addiction give so much insight into how the brain works or how people are influenced, for good or for bad.  Or how important it is for people to have close ties with others, how addictions can harm those ties and make people so different from what they once were.

I started reading a book the other night.  It's written by a recovering addict.  I also watched a short interview with the author who said that he wanted to write the book, in part, because he wanted to show young people that there are others who have the same dark, depressing feelings.  He remarked that there were many authors he'd loved when he was younger, authors who expressed such dark feelings and let him know that he was not alone.

In some ways, I really understand that.  Sometimes I think that we have to just cut to the chase and be honest about our failings and fears and the dark sadness in our hearts.  Sometimes that's the only way we can find out we aren't alone and let others know that they aren't alone either.

But, there's another part of me that approaches those ideas with caution.  I guess it's that part of me that says we have to be careful with the way we talk about those things.  Are we looking at the darkness of the world around us, of our own tattered and broken psyches, and seeing that darkness as something we want to overcome?  Are we seeing that though, yes, darkness does exist, that isn't where we want to stay?  Or are we just allowing ourselves to go deeper into the muck and ugliness of life, saying that it's good to discuss such things because they are true?

I'm not a Pollyanna, though I sometimes do play the Glad Game.  I know that harshness exists in life.  I've dealt with it, and I know it's true.  But I also know that beauty is true; love is true; joy is true.  And I think that maybe those are the things to cling to, the things that will bring us out of darkness.  And I think that may be why the Bible talks about meditating on things that are beautiful and true and pure.  Perhaps God knew that, in our understanding of evil, we'd gravitate toward it as a way of understanding life; perhaps that's why He steered us toward what is better, what is holy, what is lovely.  

A Grateful Sunday

It's Sunday night, turning into Monday morning.  I've had such a lovely Sunday.  Restful, enjoying my new home, feeling quite grateful.  

Sunday feels like a good day to be grateful.  I think about the love of Christ, the grace of God.  How blessed I've been.  How so many people have come into my life and taught me so much, given so much, loved so much.  And I thank God for each of them.  I thank God for His ever-present love and care, for loving me, even in times when I've been unloveable.  For making something beautiful of my life.

Well, it's Sunday night, turning into Monday morning, and I'd better get to sleep.  I thank God for each of you.

I love each and every one of you,

Sara

A Very Serious Matter

Hello, All!

It's been a bit since I last blogged, but there has been much going on. A trip back to El Salvador, fretting about my impending move (so much to think about!), finding an apartment (done!). There's a lot that I could write about, and I will. But right now, I have something very important on my mind.

Smoothies.

That's right. Smoothies. I stinking hate that word, but they're just too delicious to live without. And, the great thing is, they're pretty healthy. But, when I go get a smoothie, I know that I'm probably getting more sugar than I (or anyone else, really) need.

Yesterday, though, I made a smoothie of my own. Before we left for El Salvador, I'd thrown some bananas in the freezer, and I was kind of wondering what to do with those frozen bananas. So, I though, "Thaw them for banana pudding!" But then my common sense kicked in and reminded me that I am addicted to banana pudding and probably shouldn't be anywhere near one. So then I thought, "Smoothie!"

Half a frozen banana, half a cup of milk, some strawberries, and some ice cubes later, I was enjoying a delicious smoothie, and I knew exactly how much sugar went into it. None! I mean, none besides whatever is naturally in fruit and milk. This afternoon, I made another smoothie. for lunch/afternoon snack/what have you.

It was tasty. Here's how you make it:

1 frozen banana
1/2 a peach
1/2 cup milk
a little vanilla
a bit of cinnamon
tiny bit of honey. seriously. not too much. bananas are really sweet. this is just to take some edge off the vanilla and cinnamon.
some ice for that yummy, icy texture

Blend it up until the ice is all broken up. Then drink it and find true happiness!

Love,

Sara :)

Poppy Birthday to Me

Well, yesterday was my birthday. I won't say how old I am. I'm still a little in denial. Only kidding. I'm 31. Not too bad, really.

Anyways, this year I decided to start a tradition. Poppy Birthday.

I know it sounds odd. Let me explain. I'm basing the tradition on my grandfather, Poppy. Every year on his birthday he would give us presents. I always liked that. So, I thought that starting this year I would attempt to bring some of that spirit to my own birthday, trying to bring some happiness to other people instead of just focusing on myself. And, as maybe a way of thanking God for this gift of life.

I liked it. And now I plan on making every birthday a Poppy Birthday.

Love love,

Sara (aka, George) ;)

Why I Love Weddings

Today, I spent some time shopping and talking on the phone while doing so. I was talking to my friend Katy about the wedding I went to on Saturday, telling her about how beautiful it was. And it was.

While we were talking, we came down on opposite sides of the "love weddings/don't love weddings debate." I love them. But, I felt like I had to qualify that.

I'll explain. I don't love the stress of weddings or the fussiness of weddings or even a lot of the traditions of weddings. And I don't love all the pretense, the doing things just because that's what's done or because that's what looks good. I mean, I'm all for a reverent ceremony. Marriage is a sacrament, people.

And I guess that's what I love about weddings. I love that we get to witness something divine. I love the hopefulness of seeing two people about to start a life together. And knowing that, out of that decision to begin a life together, more lives can be touched by the love that those two people have. I guess I just feel like we are all infinitely richer for seeing that love, for having another example of love to follow.

During the ceremony, the minister, who is a friend of Jon and Sabrina's, reflected a bit on what he has learned in his own fourteen years of marriage. He said that he has begun to feel that marriage is one of God's favorite tools to use in making us become the people He wants us to be.

I'll admit, I can be a romantic. Much to my own embarrassment (and the chagrin of others), I love a good romantic comedy. I like to see the couple get together in the end. Those movies give me all sorts of warm fuzzies. But, even more amazing is to think of the kind of love that the minister spoke of during the ceremony. The kind of love that allows and even wants God to transform it through marriage, the kind of love that leans not on its own understanding but in all its ways acknowledges God.

Weddings let us see a bit of that love, and the marriage that emerges from that wedding lets us see how the selfless, redeeming love of Christ can take an institution that is as likely to fail as it is to succeed and yet transform it into something that shows love to all who are witness to it. And, as Jon's father said the night before the wedding, it is Christ in us who allows us to love. He sustains us and gives us love, even in those times when we cannot muster any feelings of love in ourselves.

So, I guess that's why I love weddings. They remind me of that kind of love. They give me hope, and they let me anticipate the good that will come from the love of that couple. And maybe, just maybe, I love weddings because I'm a bit of a romantic. After all, I want to see the couple get together in the end. But I also want to see what happens for them, for us all, after they get together.

Dearest readers, I love you. I love you all,

Sara

On the Road

Well, I must say that today was a pretty lovely, if a bit hectic, day. I'm here in Champaign, getting ready for Sabrina's wedding. Yesterday and today involved working on flowers at her church, and I learned that there are few things nicer than arranging flowers at a church. There's just something so calming about it.

And, that calming effect was much appreciated, as I had an interview today. There's no really exciting story to it, but I did get the job. So that's pretty exciting. And it's also comforting. And I mean that not just in the sense that it's comforting to know that I'll have a source of income. But, it's comforting to feel like I made the right decision, that there's some tangible proof that I'm moving in the right direction.

I really have a peace about returning to grad school, and I thank God for it. Even though I am about to start studies that will be quite stressful at times, I thank God for this peace which passes all understanding.

Much love to all of you,

Sara

A Homecoming, Of Sorts

Right now, I'm pretty sleepy, and I'm looking forward to getting to bed. Tomorrow will be a hurried morning, full of packing, remembering last-minute details, and forgetting something that seems really important at the moment but probably isn't in the whole scheme of things.

Tomorrow, I'm headed out of town once again. But this time, instead of heading to El Salvador, I'm going to the Midwest. Okay, so perhaps you're thinking that the better vacation would be to head to the tropical paradise that is El Salvador. Well, normally, I'd say you're right. Normally, I'd much rather see all my kids in ES than go to Illinois. But, this time, Illinois is special.

Well, perhaps it's not Illinois that special. But, my very good friend Sabrina is getting married to a super sweet guy named Jon. And that's pretty special. I'm not going to brag about the pivotal role I played in this approaching marriage. Okay, I will brag. Those two are perfect for each other, and I knew it from the get-go. Whatever the get-go is. Well, whatever or whenever it is, I knew it. So there. And I'm ridiculously happy to be going to this wedding and to be doing the flowers for it. (Little known fact, I love arranging flowers. It's one of my favorite things to do. I almost never do it, but today I made two flower arrangements.)

So, tomorrow, I get on a jet plane (or whatever flies out of my town) and head to Champaign, by way of Chicago and rental car. And, you know, I just realized that I've never rented a car by myself before. Weird, right? I've done every other sort of traveling alone (first solo plane trip at the age of six, plenty of trains, subways, taxis, buses, and the like), but I've never rented a car by myself. Well, I guess I've never sailed alone either, but there's not much call for that.

Anyways, I'm excited for the wedding. I'm excited to go back to Champaign, as I haven't been there in a little over a year. While it'll be only a short visit this time, I'm ready to see how the place has changed, what kind of difference the year has made. I know it has made a difference in me.

Much love to all of you,

Sara

A Re-cap

Well, this past weekend was the Texas Reds Festival, and it was great. I meet Robert Earl Keen, and I learn that he wears Keens. Me too! :)

Later Saturday evening, I saw him play, and it was an amazing show. I stood out there in downtown, listening to Robert Earl Keen, and I just had to think that there was no better way to spend the evening. And, it made me happy that I got to see him play this festival shortly before I'll be moving back to Illinois. If there's anything that makes me miss home, it's Robert Earl Keen. Maybe I'll write more about that later, but for now I'll just say that it was wonderful.

Loves,

Sara

Part for the Whole, Whole for the Part, Part of a Whole

For me, reading was always simple. When I was young, our class was split into reading groups, and I was always in the fastest readers group. One of my best friends was in the slowest group. I guess I didn't really understand that, didn't really get that reading could be hard for someone. Of course, when it came time for PE, it was a different story. When we'd run, I was always the slowest. For whatever reason, I just wasn't a good runner. And, over time, seeing how bad I was at running made me not want to run.

I'll cut to the chase right here. I'm not at all about to tell you a story about me becoming a great runner. It didn't happen. And, you know what? It probably never will. Oh, there are times when, even though I'm not great at it, I like to run. It's something that has given me some joy, a sense of accomplishment. But, I'm a realist. I'm not ever going to win a race, but I just might run it despite that fact.

Sometimes it's really easy to take gifts for granted. I was always a pretty capable student, and (to my good fortune) I was in a place where that meant something. I thought about that the other day as I was riding around San Salvador in a taxi (oh, the things taxis make me think about). How different my life might have been had success been based on my ability to run fast rather than my ability to do well on tests. But, I had to think that it didn't mean that my ability to do well in school meant that I was better than a person who could run fast but didn't do well on tests (not that these facilities have to be mutually exclusive). Sometimes you really need someone who can run fast or someone who can lift heavy things.

And, as I rode around in this taxi, taking in all the beauty that's between Soyapango and the San Salvador airport, I started thinking about the Body of Christ. Specifically, I was thinking of how Paul discusses the fact that we, as Christians, are the Body of Christ on earth. Just as our own bodies are made up of many different parts which function in many different ways, so is the Body of Christ. We can't all be hands or feet or hearts or heads. There must be many different parts because the world has many different needs that we must attend to, ways that we must minister to all who are in need.

So, Paul basically says that we shouldn't be jealous of the gifts that other members of the body have. We can't all have the same gifts or fulfill the same purposes. That would be redundant. It would make the Body of Christ a non-functioning whole because it would be many single and unrelated parts. How do hands function without arms? How do you hold your head up if there is no body?

But, sometimes I think it's easy to lose sight of what Paul is talking about. Sometimes I have trouble understanding why other people don't have the same strengths I have, and (more often) I find myself wishing I had strengths that other people have.

Here's an example. I believe in God. It's easy for me. Seriously.

Now, let me be honest. There have been times in my life when I felt like believing in God was perhaps the most insane thing I had ever done. But, for whatever reason, belief in God is not something that's difficult for me. I don't struggle with belief in the face of terrible circumstances. I understand that struggle, but it's not mine.

But, there are things I do struggle with. I see other people who seem to have such a sincere ability to relate to God, to seem so genuine and able to show their faith through their lives and to even openly discuss their faith. I'll level with you. I do envy those people. I wish I were one of those people. But I'm not. To me, those people always seem like they are so mature in their faith. That's not me. I don't speak openly about my faith. I actually don't speak openly about much of anything, but that's a blog for another day.

What I do take from Paul is this. I may never be one of those people I admire (or envy). I may never realize the fullness of those gifts, but that doesn't mean that I cannot be grateful that other people do have those gifts. And the fact that I do not have those gifts in abundance doesn't mean that I don't have them at all. Those may not be my strengths, but at least I can see how others use those strengths and learn from their examples.

It's all very humbling really. To know that I'm not and never can be the best Christian. And yet, it makes me a part of something bigger than myself, and that is something very beautiful.

I love each and every one of you,

Sara

What is Good?

My birthday is coming up. It will be here in less than two weeks. And I just realized that it took me a ridiculous amount of time to type that last sentence, mainly due to the fact that I can't remember today's date.

Anyways, this birthday isn't so big. I mean, it's not a milestone or anything. Last year was both my 30th and my "golden" birthday. If you had no idea that there was such a thing as a golden birthday, don't fear. I didn't either. Until I had one. It's the year that your age is the same as the date of your birth. So, with that explanation, it's pretty easy to deduce that my birthday is June 30th.

I really like birthdays. I think they're fun and maybe even a bit magical. Really, I've moved to being pretty low key about my birthdays. I like to do something fun, but I don't like to do anything too fancy. Last year I went to a baseball game with friends. Before the game we ate at my favorite taco bar. And then I spent the next day at the farm. Seriously, that's my favorite kind of birthday.

I guess it's because my birthday is coming up that I've been thinking of my earlier years. I'm not going into details or anything (protecting the innocent and all that good stuff), but I have made a ton of bad choices in my life. Some of them were dumb choices, many naive choices, and some just plain rotten choices. There are sometimes when I feel quite lucky to be alive. And other times when I just feel glad to be as happy and content as I am.

I guess what surprises me the most is how good God has been to me. I'm not saying that my whole life has been 100% happy and without struggle. I could write a few stories (or perhaps entire books) about the unhappier moments of my life. Some of it my fault, some of it not. But, I don't see God's goodness in just the happy parts of my life. When I look back on my life thus far, I see God's goodness in the saddest of times, the scariest of times, the loneliest and most dangerous of times. I see how He brought me through those times, how He restored me and bound up my broken heart, how He didn't allow those times to overcome me in a way that I couldn't escape from. And that is goodness.

Beauty in the Broken

I've just been doing some work this evening. When I work I listen to music. And I lose track of the words, or sometimes they all run together--the ideas, the words, the thoughts and sounds. Right now I have a good mix of Andrew Osenga and Jeremy Casella going. They each have ways of looking at the ugliness of life and finding some sort of beauty, some sort of hope for redemption. As I listen to the music, I keep remembering that Bible verse that says something about "My ways are not your ways." I usually think about that verse in conjunction with the verse that come next, that verse that explains that God's ways are higher than our ways.

I'm not sure I've ever read that correctly. And, I'm not sure that tonight I've stumbled upon the correct way of reading it, perhaps just a way I've never thought of before. But, as I was working and listening to these songs which speak so clearly of brokenness, I kept going back to the idea that His ways are not our ways. Or, at least they're not my ways. I'd hate to pass judgement on anyone else. I can only speak for myself, and this self is definitely lacking.

A few years ago, I went to the Chelsea Flower Show. At the show, they have all these demonstration gardens. Landscapers and gardeners have these elaborate presentations to show what they can do. It's amazing. My favorite garden was one that took bits of trash and worked them into the landscape design. Little candy wrappers made their way into benches or edging. I know it sounds strange, but it just worked.

You see, that's what I want to see. I want to see how those little bits of trash are worked into something beautiful. I want to see the finished product, to know that somehow all the little bits ugliness--the pain, the frustration, the hurt, the sadness--can be made into something beautiful. I want it for myself, but I also want it for the people I love. I want to see how the pains in their lives can become something that could give them comfort or how the sad experiences can be used to help someone else. I mean, how often do we see someone struggling under the weight of personal demons and have a feeling that that person may not make it? Don't we all kind of want to skip to the end of the story and see that everything turns out okay in the end? Don't we want to skip through the sad chapters, the hard chapters? Or do we just assume the worst, assume that there is no redemption, no recovery?

Sometimes I find it hard to find the beauty in the broken, the beauty in what seems so ugly and unfixable. His ways are not my ways. He sees to the end of the story, for better or worse. And, for better or worse, there is always love. He always loves.

And perhaps that love is where we can find some hope, some promise of redemption. Tomorrow I leave for El Salvador. I love being there. I love seeing my kids at the orphanage. But, in many ways, El Salvador is a place where the pains of life are evident right at the surface, not hidden away like we so often do here in a country where we can afford to hide our pain--put it in a big house, medicate it, put some nice shoes on it and act like everything is okay. But, in San Salvador, those pains are right there walking down the street, begging for change, hoping to find a place to sleep for the night.

But, it is also in San Salvador that I have seen to greatest hope. It is there that I know children--most of them abandoned, neglected, having suffered abuse and molestation--who possess such a deep faith. They have faith in God, and, somehow, they even have faith in other people. And maybe it's their faith in God that allows them to trust that people, deep down, really have some good in them. Or perhaps the children just know that the good they see in people comes from God.

Or, perhaps I'm getting a little tired by now and just need to go to bed. Because tomorrow I must pack. And tomorrow I get to see these children who give me so much hope, so much reason to believe that there can be beauty even in the ugliest pains of life.

I love you all,

Sara

Craziness of Summer

Things are hectic. I mean, I'm sure they could be even more hectic, but they're pretty busy as it is. And, to tell the truth, I sort of love that.

I just got back from Chicago last night. It was a fun, short trip with my mom and aunt. It got me pretty excited to think that in just a short while I'll be moving back to Illinois and even more excited to think about the work I'll be doing there. I'm loving my plans for a dissertation, and I'm just so looking forward to being in a place where I can really concentrate on that work. Also, I'm pretty excited to be so close to Chicago again and to be close to St. Louis, which is now home to my friend Brooke and soon to be home to my friend Sabrina. I see some trips to St. Louis in my future, and I'm glad that I'll have places to stay while I'm there! :)

In just a couple of days, I head to El Salvador for two weeks--my first trip of two I'll take this summer. Construction has started on the new orphanage, so I'll be spending time at the worksite when they need me and playing with my kids when I'm not needed on construction. Really, it's so amazing to see this building finally become a reality. And it's unbelievably wonderful how many people want to help and are helping. God is so good.

In between my two El Salvador trips, I'll be heading back to dear old Champaign-Urbana for Sabrina's wedding. It's going to be beautiful, mainly because it will be so great to see her get married but also because the wedding is at the amazingly beautiful Allerton Park. Seriously, people, if you're in the neighborhood, you should definitely go to Allerton to do a little hiking or to have a picnic and walk around the gardens. The peonies alone are worth the drive. Then again, I love peonies, so maybe I'm biased.

So, that's my summer. I've actually left most of the hectic-ness out. But, don't worry. I'm not stressed about any of it. I'm invigorated! :)

Love,

Sara

I thought I'd share something beautiful...

Inspired by this amazing picture that Erin, one of the girls who went to El Salvador this Spring Break, made and brought to dinner last night, I thought I'd make a gallery poster of it. The quality of the image isn't the greatest (I'm still sort of learning how to convert files), but isn't her picture beautiful? It just captures the whole experience of going to El Salvador.

The text below it is:

About the Picture This artwork was created by Erin Cleveland, a member of our 2009 Spring Break SHIP Trip team. In her own words “when I can't express my love in words, it usually ends up on a canvas.” This work shows the children of the San Salvador orphanage and the members of our team, all pieces of one fragmented heart, all members of one living, breathing body of Christ, all children of the same God, each one worthy of love regardless of country, ability, or circumstance, The Psalmist writes that God “heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.” We’ve seen that happen. We’ve seen the smile on a child who was abandoned but has found a home. We’ve seen the light in his eyes when he realizes that he matters. We’ve seen the joy on her face when someone reads her a story. And we know God is good.

I'll be going back to El Salvador in just a couple of weeks, and this picture makes me miss my kids. It also makes me want to work even harder to build them a new home. If anyone is interested in getting involved or wants to learn more about what you can do to help these wonderful children, send me and email! You can also check us out on-line. The website is going through a few beautifications right now, but there's some good information about the work we do. And, if you happen to be in the Bryan, Texas, area during the weekend of June 20, we'll have a booth at the Texas Reds Festival. Come by and learn more about us!

Love,

Sara