Fears and Almost Tears

Here are two things that you may or may not know about me.  The first is that I love to sing.  I'm even, well, good at it.  The second is that I am terrified to sing in front of people.  Seriously.  And, really, what's the point of singing if not to share it with other people?  I mean, it's pretty well worthless to be a good singer if you're not going to sing in front of people.

About a week ago I had a dream, and in that dream I was singing.  When I woke up, I just kept thinking about how happy I was in that dream, how happy I was to be singing.  There has just always been such a wonderful feeling when I sing.  I used to drive around and sing for hours, and those were some of my favorite times.  

So, I decided, post singing dream, that I should get back into singing.  I looked on campus to see what my options were, and I found out that I could take voice lessons.  Sounded great.  I called the school of music, and was sent all the info about voice lessons.  

One problem.  Voice lessons require an audition.  Audition.  That basically means that there will be singing and that it will be in front of people.  Like, live people.  Not that singing in front of dead people would be that much more comforting, but, well, I'm getting totally off topic at this point.

Okay, so I resolved that I'd go for it.  I settled on singing "Ave Maria" because I know it and because I do an alright job of singing it.  I didn't really have a good way to rehearse much, but I figured I'd be okay.  Auditions were Saturday, and I was pretty ready.

Truth be told, I wasn't ready at all.  In fact, I almost didn't even go.  But, then there I was, early for the audition.  I was the first one there, and as I waited, as the time got closer, I nearly didn't go through with it.  My inner monologue was pretty interesting (not quite sure how many prayers I said while sitting there waiting for the audition), and, had it not been for the fact that it would have been really awkward for me to just pick up and leave before even singing, I probably would have left.  But I didn't.  I sang.  It was awful.  I was there in front of a panel of judges.  People.  Singing in front of people.  Nervous.  Completely nervous.  Far too nervous to be singing in a key that high.  Too nervous to breathe.  And, let me tell you, breathing is a really key component of singing.  It is, in fact, crucial to producing sound.

So, I didn't sing well.  I'm a perfectionist, so I'm willing to believe that it was less horrible than what I thought it was, but it was pretty bad.  But, you know, I did it.  I actually stood in front of people and sang.  And, you know what?  It felt pretty good to do something that so completely terrified me.  It wasn't as good as I hoped for, but I was there singing, doing something that I love.  

Oh, and for whatever reason, I actually made it past the audition.  My first lesson is tomorrow.  

Love you all!

Sara