There are times when I think that all my beliefs are silly, that they could be easily disproved. There are times when I think that a few well-articulated arguments could explain away much of what I believe.
The strange thing is though, that even though I know that, it doesn't make me believe any less. It doesn't make my beliefs any weaker. In fact, it doesn't really affect them at all.
I know that sounds odd. I know that sounds as if I've given up on reason and rational thought. I really haven't.
It just seems to me that there must be an absolute, that there must be something that is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). It seems that for us to have any sort of chance in life, there must be some possibility of redemption, some hope for rebirth and renewal of our hearts and minds.
And somehow, despite all argument and reason, I know that absolute, that hope for the redemption of my life, is Jesus. Donald Miller talks about becoming a Christian as being much like falling in love, and I have to agree with him. Because, like falling in love, much of it makes little sense. There is simply an awareness of being pulled toward something much larger than yourself, and despite all protestations and all inner argument, there is no way to fight falling in love.
And that is why I don't really worry so much about the arguments. I can no more write up an equation for why I believe what I believe than I could write up an equation to explain falling in love. But, it doesn't make it any less real. Maybe it makes it even more real, as it always seems that we're more affected by that which touches our hearts and souls than that which appeals to our reasonable selves.
Isn't it in our hearts and souls that we need the hope of redemption? Isn't it our hearts which allow us to fall in love, to really know God and have a relationship with Him?
So, I haven't given up on rational thought, but I have decided to have an open heart, to realize that His ways are not my ways, to choose to believe and choose to love. Maybe I'm odd, but, as Flannery O'Connor said, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you odd."
3 comments:
I just was reading your comments back to my comments and as I scrolled down the first line of this post caught my eye, "There are times when I think that all my beliefs are silly..." Can I just say that's how I feel right now? Not because I think God isn't real - I am absolutely convinced He is. And not even because I think the cross might be a little extreme, Jesus coming here to save us seems NECESSARY not crazy! Humans all running around searching for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to fill them, fix them, make them comfortable - if only for a single moment in time - all that makes me see the desperate need for Jesus. And when you add in good and evil and Satan and sin and all that jazz, the suffering and brutality and death and such all make sense as well. But to believe that God should be the central focus of my life. That He, that eternity, that what I cannot see is more real, more important, more necessary than all I can - now that DOES seem crazy. I'm finding it very hard as of late to reconcile the Present with the Eternal. I see the necessity of (and the desires remains to have) relationship with Jesus. Were that taken from me, I think I might stop breathing completely. But truly denying self, picking up my cross, really choosing God's ways of living, dying to self, putting on the new self, allowing my mind to be renewed, etc - walking with the Spirit essentially - that is what is so hard lately. Not because it is trialsome and wearying to do. Not because I feel like I can't do it. Because I see my desires vs. God's desires so clearly. Because I see my selfishness and my wants vs. His plans and His ways. It's glaringly obvious, and I do not yet WANT to change my ways to accept His ways. Part of me does, but another part of me holds back. And I wonder why. It isn't purely out of selfish gain, although that certainly plays a part. But something in me is afraid I think - afraid of being left alone, afraid it will not be enough, afraid I should have kept something for myself, afraid I will be wrong - that the Present was more important than the Eternal, afraid of who God really is - can He be completely trusted? I hear a huge YES and at the same time a loud resounding NO. I wish we did not get so marred in our envisioning of God by "seeing" God via humans. We are so flawed, and even at our very best, never that good a representation of the unconditional love, everlasting faithfulness, complete forgiveness of God Himself. You know?
Anyways - those were just my thoughts as I have them today. i'm going to Sam's Club - see what they have here - if it's worth me joining. Have a great weekend! Praying for clarity for you...
Okay, let me just say that my favorite thing you wrote is this:
"I do not yet WANT to change my ways to accept His ways."
Wow. I have felt that so much in my life. I don't WANT to do this. Why is this my cross to bear? Why do I have to have a cross to bear? I don't think I listened too closely to the whole "pick up your cross and follow me." Did I have any idea what I was signing on for? Any clue at all?
Well, no. I don't know that any of us do.
Let me just say, I love everything that you wrote here. I love how incredibly honest you were. I tried to think of something wonderful to say, but nothing (and I mean nothing) really good came to me. Can I promise to pray for you on this one? And maybe to pray that something good comes to me that might be helpful for you?
Love,
Sara
I have wrestled with that question you wrote more times than I can count. "Why do I have to have a cross to bear?" Me too!! Why? I mean, I can list a lot of reasons why - like character and purpose and all that stuff, but none of it makes me WANT to have a cross to bear. It seems like people around me are able to just go along in life without cross-bearing and be just fine. Why not me too? I mean I do see the shallowness in a life completely lived for self. I recognize the boredom, the frustration, the continual search for something more - and the eventual settling for self b/c what is "more" requires too much "cross-bearing." And so sometimes I entertain myself with fanciful notions of being just such a person. I do the things I would do if I weren't bearing a cross, I walk around smiling and enjoying life free from heavy burdens of caring deeply and worrying and struggling and I just breath in and out for 10 seconds and don't contemplate a thing the entire time.
But eventually that gets useless and boring and stale, so I return to cross-bearing - usually I think b/c I discover that everyone WILL bear a cross in life and if I MUST do so, I'd prefer one with purpose.
I watched "Stomp the Yard" again this weekend, and there was a quote at the end by Martin Luther King Jr. that, the instant I read it I thought of you. He said, "Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education."
I thought that would resound with you a great deal. It did with me for you!
Post a Comment