I sometimes can't help but wonder why on earth I even went to church over the last few years. I had no idea what I was doing there, and I didn't go very much. I had no idea why a person would go to church, really. So, I might as well have hit the two major Christian holidays, Christmas and Easter, and been done with it. Maybe I could have even just thrown in a Maundy Thursday service for a good dose of Methodism, but I really needn't have gone to much more than that. So, why drag it out? Why not just have an understanding with myself (and maybe God too) that my Sundays, save for Christmas and Easter, were for brunch? That enjoying a nice plate of quiche and salad was really my true spiritual gift.
I guess it's because, though I actually love going to church during those seasons, there's just something about church as it is the rest of the year that's so different from its holiday self.
I guess I don't really relate to those two days all that much. Maybe they're far too miraculous for my tiny brain to comprehend; I'm guessing that's the case. When I think about Jesus, those are, of course, some of the first things that come to mind.
The birth. The crucifixion. The resurrection.
The great possibility for redemption of sins that is possible because of that life. Those are the cornerstones of Christian faith. And yet, that is not the Jesus I can relate to.
A friend asked me, not too long ago, if there was any part of Jesus' life I could witness, what would it be. I'm not sure why I answered what I did. Certainly there are many things one would want to see. Any of the miracles should make the top of any list of what someone would want to see. Those are good choices. But not mine. I said I'd want to see the experience in the wilderness.
I guess I said the wilderness experience because, in some ways, that's all I feel I can relate to at times. It was in the wilderness that Jesus lived alone and fasted for forty days, was tempted by Satan, and withstood temptation. And that's the Jesus I can relate to.
Sure, I'm melancholy at times, and I always, always love sad songs. But why the wilderness? Well, I guess it's because there is some sort of hunger in all of us, some sense of being alone, some knowledge that there could be a sense of fullness in our lives, but the constant worry about when that fullness might come. And, in this state of hunger, we are constantly tempted, constantly moving away from a search for holiness, constantly wishing this feeling of emptiness would go away, and always reminded that true fullness comes only with the life led in constant reverence for the Word of God. And yet, this knowledge feels like not enough to sustain us at times, no matter how deeply we believe those words, how strong a faith we have.
And yet, there is faith. No matter how small it is, it is there. Moving us along when we least expect it. Reminding us of Christ's love and sacrifice for us. Reminding us that we are not alone in the wilderness, that God is there with us. And, if we dare to look beyond ourselves, we see that there are other people here with us, all struggling in the wilderness as we struggle.
So, perhaps that's what I am, just a wilderness Christian. I guess that's what we all are or what we're all meant to be, to let God use us as lights in the wilderness so that we can show love to those around us.
3 comments:
I love that you wrote this, "I guess it's because there is some sort of hunger in all of us, some sense of being alone, some knowledge that there could be a sense of fullness in our lives, but the constant worry about when that fullness might come. And, in this state of hunger, we are constantly tempted, constantly moving away from a search for holiness, constantly wishing this feeling of emptiness would go away, and always reminded that true fullness comes only with the life led in constant reverence for the Word of God. And yet, this knowledge feels like not enough to sustain us at times, no matter how deeply we believe those words, how strong a faith we have." That feels like me right now. and you are so right - "it comes only with the life led in constant reverence for the Word of God." But you're also right that the knowledge feels like not enough to sustain us/hold us at times. I think that's because we ARE so relational. It's amazing what relationships will hold us to and thru that knowledge alone will not. We will withstand severe trials, deep griefs, and insane circumstances if we are standing in relationship, but it is when we are standing alone, without a soul, that even the tiniest error, mistake, or windfall will make us feel completely and utterly distraught.
I have to say I hate living in a fallen world, and I hate that I cannot right all the wrongs and fix all the past and make everything reconciled in a perfect and beautiful way. For me, that is the biggest struggle.
I'm so glad I read this today. I needed it.
I'm glad you reminded me that I wrote that...because I need it too! :) But, you are so right that relationships provide a sense of balance that being alone does not. But I think it's hard to find the right balance at times, to really get to the place where you understand how to sustain all the necessary relationships in life--to have the relationship with God but also to have relationships with people. And, when you're like me (single, no kids, no real job or anything I have to report to with any regularity) it can be easy to get, well, unbalanced and to suddenly realize you've gone an unhealthy amount of time with not enough human contact! :)
But, I think we all struggle with the fact that we can't make things perfect. I mean, it seems that all religious people are, in some way, idealists. But, I think that sometimes we get so caught up in our ideals that we lose any ability to relate to a world that is real, that cannot be perfected. Again, it's a balancing act. We don't want to lose our ideals because they are "very good." Yes, I just stole those words out of the Bible to use them very liberally for my own ends! ;) But, our ideals, because they are not ours but are God's, ARE very good. However, we cannot, without God, achieve those ideals, and, unfortunately, we will never achieve them. Not to the level of perfection that we want, not with any sustainability. And, you know, I'm not sure that's entirely bad. No, it's not "very good" in the sense that we hope for, but, if we keep striving for the good, I suppose we will keep reaching something that is better. And, better is a step in the right direction.
So, how do we, as idealists, relate to an imperfect world? How do we avoid getting so caught up in our ideals that we forget that we deal with very real people? That we, ourselves, are real people with real hurts and real shortcomings, and that we, because we are real, will never live up to the ideals we so long for? I'm not sure. But, I think that a large part of the answer is, obviously, God. And, I think another part of the answer is balance. Personally, I'm getting the od part, but I am still completely unbalanced! :)
I meant to say:
"I'm getting the GOD part!" :)
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