On being more

Humbled. 

It's not a word I like so much. It's not a feeling I enjoy. But, today I was reminded that it is the last who shall be first, that it is the least of these who are the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. 

It's a different kind of currency. It's a different way of looking at everything. 

I always hoped I would do something great, be something great, be known for something impressive. I always hoped to have a stockpile of the coin of this realm, in whatever form it might take--for my taste, most probably the form of intellect or some such thing, really any thing that would make me better, stronger, more than what I feel like I am. 

 But, it's an exhausting thing, trying to amass an earthly fortune, and there is always the knowledge looking overhead, reminding me that earthly fortune lasts only as long as I do. In some cases, earthly fortune is even more fleeting, gone in an instant, worthless in less time than it took to gain. 

So, as I sat in church today, hearing that dreaded word "humble," I thought of my desire to be more, how impossible it feels. And,then I realized that there is a way to be more. That way is to become less. Even if I spend all my time trying to be more, it will never be enough. But what if I focused on being more in the Kingdom of Heaven? Might I then have a reward that is eternal? And, might my striving to be more in Heaven result in my focusing more on doing God's will here on earth? 

So, now I am (surely with many falls and missteps) trying to be more and trying to be less. It's a paradox, but it's something that actually, finally makes sense.