Prayer

I have never been much of a pray-er. And, I'm sorry for just using that word that is really not even a word, but it's the best thing I could think of. I just didn't pray very much. Or, I guess I should say that I didn't think much about what I prayed about. For a long time, I prayed every night, but I sort of just said the same thing each night. There wasn't a lot of thought about it. And, though my nightly prayer time fizzled out for many years, it would come back in small spurts when I'd have important things going on or when I knew people who were sick and "needed prayer," whatever that meant.

One day as I was on the phone with my friend Alanna, we ended up talking about prayer. I'm not sure how we got on the subject, and I don't remember much of the conversation, really, but I do remember that, at some point in the conversation, Alanna was talking about prayer as a means of relating to God. And, then she said something to the effect that, as you grow in a relationship through prayer, God begins to tell you what to pray about.

Huh.

I'm sure I probably said something like, "Oh. Yeah." I sometimes like to pretend that I understand things. But, really, all I was thinking was, "That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. In fact, though I'm sure she really believes it, that just sounds crazy to me."

It really did sound crazy to me. I mean, if God knows what I need, why should I wait for Him to tell me that I need to pray for it? Why doesn't He just give it to me? I mean, He's God. It's not like that would be out of His power to do, right? He's God. Did I just repeat that? Yes, I did. Because that was really the hangup for me. If God is so powerful, then He is able to anticipate my needs, and the needs of anyone else for that matter. So, if He saw a need within me, like a need to grow in some area, it didn't make sense that He would tell me to ask Him for help. That just sounded nuts.

But, I had to give her the benefit of the doubt because most of my prayers had simply been prayers asking God for things. Please keep me safe. Please don't let my grandfather die. Please. I did a lot of asking for major things, but no real talking, no real relating.

Over the last year or so, I started praying more. I have to be honest. I don't always like it. I try to pray even on those days when the idea of praying is least appealing to me, because I figure that's when I probably need it most, but I'm far from being a perfect pray-er, even now.

And, through praying more, I guess I'm coming to understand the reasons for praying. And maybe I'm even starting to grasp what Alanna was saying.

The other day, I was thinking about what it is to have a relationship with God. I was thinking, especially, about the fact that God does not force us into relationship with Him; instead, He gives us the free will to choose. And I kind of feel that that freedom is reflected througout a relationship with God. I mean, we are fully capable of choosing to believe or not, of accepting Christ as Saviour or not. Really, this choice is ours. And yet, even if I do believe, even if I do have that sort of faith, there is still so much room to grow in understanding and knowing God, in being able to grasp His purpose for my life.

And I guess this is where prayer comes in. Sure, I really thought Alanna was a little nuts when she said that God will tell you what to pray for, but I've really begun to see what she means.

As I've experienced it, that means that, while praying or reflecting on the Bible, I have a sense of some area in which I need to grow or some step that I need to take in life. Again, why wouldn't God just fix that area for me? He knows I'm lacking in that area better than I do. And yet, if He were to fix those things, I wouldn't have to do any growing myself. My free will would be taken away because I wouldn't be given the choice to grow or to stay the same. I wouldn't be growing in a relationship with God, learning to rely on Him to give me counsel about my life. And, I think most importantly to me, I wouldn't see (through all the much needed prayer) how very dependent I am on God to make the kind of changes in my life that bring about true changes of the heart and mind and soul. When I connect with God in prayer, in order to seek help, I can really see how God is loving and nuturing and guiding me to enable true changes in me, changes that I really could not make alone.

And all of this leaves me completely amazed. At the love that God has for us all, that He would give us such freedom. Of His ability to move through our lives, awakening each of us to the deepest needs of our souls, needs that we sometimes don't even recognize until He lovingly shows them to us. And amazed that, at any time during the day, I can actually talk to God.

And so I do talk to God. Just because I can! ;)