A few years ago, I was thinking about my belief in God. I guess it wasn't just one, fixed moment in time, but a lot of little times when my thoughts turned in that direction. For whatever reason, though I rarely went to church and almost never prayed, there was something in me that would turn toward thinking about God in the odd moments of life.
A few years ago, I'd decided that I did, in fact, believe in God. But, I felt like God could not be proved. I could not know in any certain way, but I chose to believe. I chose to believe because I liked the idea of living in a world in which there was a God better than the idea of living in a world without God. And yet, there remained this question of God. There remained these moments in which I'd catch myself believing something (a moral, an ethic) so strongly but not having a way to understand why. Sometimes the tugging on my heart was so strong and so relentless.
At some point, I guess I started wondering if these odd tuggings on my heart had something to do with this God I could not prove. I started wondering if they had something to do with this God of whom I could never be certain. I started to wonder if there could be some sort of Truth, some sort of absolute amid all the uncertainty of life. Could there be something which could challenge me to greater things than I knew? Could there be someone who knew the plans he had for me--plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give me hope and a future? Could that someone be God, and could I know Him, truly know Him?
Somehow, through grace and love and prayer, God showed me that He is real, that He is faithful and full of love. That His ways are not my ways, but that, through learning of His ways, there can be a newness, a rebirth of all things. I still prefer living in a world in which there is a God to living in one in which there is not. But, there is such a peace and and endless awe of knowing that He is real, that He is not just a God I have chosen to allow into my world, but that He is a God who has chosen, through His infinite love, to allow me into His world. And, because of that, I am forever blessed.
1 comment:
Hey Sara,
It's been too long! I'm glad that you made it back safely and I wish also that I could see you and everyone. I would love to catch up. I hope that school is going well so far. You make me think about everything and that's good, I just don't know what to think though sometimes even after years and years of being taught what to believe. I miss talking to you. E-mail me if possible.
clarissa.pullen@cvn68.navy.mil
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